Day 4- August 29, 2009

it's sort of been a lousy day, very dreary, chilly, almost like autumn in the air, but it's still August, I'm in shorts, but very well could be jean weather.

I spent most of the day filling out forms for social security disability, guess I'll go that route since my medical condition is about good as it's going to get, my thoughts are straight, but the way I convey them is sooo mixed up sometimes, doc says i have bona fide "expressive aphasia" and it would not do well with patients or their families if the nurse can't talk straight, and i finally admit it to myself, I cannot learn the new technology as far as charting, record keeping goes, every company has different software and try as i might, i can't get all of it, and the secretaries are younger and less patient with us old foagies, and get very tired of me asking the same questions...i know, take notes, I do, but then i can't even understand my note taking, and something new comes up every single day, and if i ask them to "show" me how to do it, they just rapidly click away and do if "for" me, don't take the time to let me learn, let me write it down, they aren't patient and i guess if the truth be known, I wasn't very patient in my 20's either, and we had NONE of the technology back then. So, I'll be happy with emailing, learning to blog, shopping on the net, when i forget how to put my credit card in, it's time to hang that up toooooo, dread, dread....AS far a Twitter goes, i am not learning how to tweet, heck with that, i am slowly learning facebook, keep adding people who request me to, but then can never find them again, and i only will add people i actually know, i don't want to be friends with friends friends that i've never met, or with other people, that is just too much out of the box for me, but actually, i have found a lot of people and they also have found me, many from my past and that is a good thing,

anyhow, I digressed....back to the social security thing, whooooa, i was going to apply by my 62nd birthday, Justine did the calculator for me and though you get less monthly, you are way ahead for the total if you live long enough, it would take 10 years to get what I'd loose monthly, and with disability it's right up near where it will be at 66, then i guess what you'd get at 66 takes over....so, my income will be limited, (no more Christmas presents for you) but if i live in a place that either is section 8 (god forbid) or rent according the income, i'll be good to go !!!!

and, then, I have a plan, to do something for cash on my own, that does involve people, and i will tell you about that in an email directly so others can't snoop and find out my idea, cuz it's good, really good, and it's mine, (if I remember it) long enough to do it !!! I did tell one person, so between the two of us, we may remember it...lol maybe I'll write it down to be safe !!! but, i might put the paper in my underwear drawer or with the ice cream, then what?????

but, i have a new car, all the furniture I need, except a stove and fridge, and plenty of clothes, so i'm good for the next several years, i even have the salad bowls my friend, Marcia, gave me in the 70's and use them every day, along with the little tree made from tiny pine cones....see, i told you, the other day, I "keep" everything good, though i'm not a horder.....but things that my friends gave me, everytime i use them, i think about my friends....Jim didn't give me a thing, he will soon be out of my memory again, fuck him!!!!! that's not a bad word, the -f- word, it's man made, so it's not bad, i don't use GD or JC, those would be taking the Lord,my God in vain, so I'll opt for fuck, fuck, fuck, its perfect when you think of it, fuck you! fuck it! that fucking dog !

"fuck me" sexily or FUCK ME ! STERNLY, when you make a mistake, many uses for that word, and no need for confession either.... actually, its a German word, i forgot what it means, i'll think on it for a while, but it is Universal tooo.

like the middle finger, or SUSHI everyone all over the world knows SUSHI !

Elvis is universal, like Madonna, God, Barack, Harley Davidson, when one says them, everyone knows what your talking about.... like Illinois, best place to get welfare !!!!

Oh, my gosh, I thought i lost this, but it saves itself in a draft, then you click edit and away you go again...
so, are you having a lot of sex? i'm not, but hope you are and that it's good and fun, it use to be for me too, but since Stan doesn't like me anymore, that is over too, now all i do is hear him snore, listen to him bitch and man, does he ever bitch a lot, at Lauren, at the dog, at me, and sadly at himself, so i don't have to bitch at all, he takes care of it all.
I'm thinking of writing Jim a final letter and telling him off, why the hell did he ever come back into my life? what was that about, he's a narcissist (egocentric) only cares about what he wants, when he wants it, the way he wants it, now he is with a retard, a slob,a woman who allows her 28 year old to shit/piss his pants, doesn't clean or do dishes...well, good for him, he can keep living right out of his car, but hey, he "thinks" the sex is good and is worth it...well, its time for him to grow up, he's 63 this saturday and fat and will probably die soon, so he will die alone, without a friend or his children, who he's also turned his back on, at least i wasn't around long and life will go on for me, i can't figure out why this is bothering me so much, but trust me, on September 1st it's a new month, thus new adventures waiting.
does anyone out there want to loan me about $4,000.00, with interest? so i can please move the heck out of where I'm not wanted, with my stuff and find a place of my own, in Ottawa, close to my friends in Streator, near the boys ( grandsons) and my wonderful daughter?????
Otherwise, I'll be here till mid winter, with the snow and ice, and miserable every day i see Stan and listen to his negativity. he stopped taking his antidepressant, and Ginger is still dying, so that's not good, it's too slow and depressing when he goes out there, but he is going Labor Day week end again, so will be in a really foul mood, isn't that weird, foul for mood, foul for a ball that goes awry, fowl for chicken or turkey, weird, weird language we have...but, i still could use some money. Maybe I'll take my pretty ass to one of the train stations, put on sun glasses and hold out a can.....could be someone will put money in it....Sandy, where are you when I need you??????
Well, i'm going to close, wrote this earlier tonight, before i got to the land of nod, will read my love book for a while, at least someone is getting some in that, what a fairy tale !!!!!
it'll be better tomorrow, maybe, for tonight though, I wish you happy dreams, a peaceful nights sleep, and that someone makes you sausage/biscuits to greet you in the morning... sunday a.m. should be our days, for women, that is !!!!!
So, adieu for Saturday night, wish i had a date !!!!!

Winstons Mom, as always....